Growing around grief
围绕哀伤成长
Growing around grief is an idea developed by grief counselor Lois Tonkin in the 1990s: grief does not get smaller with time; instead, life grows larger around it, and people build new parts of life outside their grief.[1]
At first, grief takes up almost all of life.
At first, grief takes up almost all of life.The grief is as big as ever, but there is room around it for feeling happy and having fun.Life keeps growing, with room for many feelings and for learning new things.The circle of grief never shrinks. On some days it still takes up all the space.
A dark filled circle stands for grief, inside a lighter circle that stands for life. Moving the slider makes the outer circle grow from being almost filled by grief to much larger, while the grief circle never changes. The text below reads in turn: at first, grief takes up almost all of life; the grief is as big as ever, but there is room around it for feeling happy and having fun; life keeps growing, with room for many feelings and for learning new things. A closing note: on some days grief still takes up all the space.
Save as image (PNG) Key points
- It comes from a mother whose child had died years earlier. She drew grief filling the circle of her life; later the grief was as big, but the circle had grown.[1][2]
- A common teaching version uses a ball and containers: the ball stays the same size while the container grows from mug to bowl to bucket, leaving more room around it.[3]
- It does not promise that people get “over it”: on some days grief can feel as intense as when the loss first happened.[2]
An example
Three years after her mother’s death, Ms. Wang has taken up dance classes and made new friends, yet on her mother’s birthday she still cries. She no longer sees this as failing to move on: the grief is still there, but her life has grown around it.
Misreadings and limits
It is a metaphor drawn from one client’s picture, not a research finding, and Sue Ryder describes it as “just an idea”: some people prefer other ways of framing their grief.[1]
Sources
- 1 Sue Ryder (n.d.). Growing around grief. Sue Ryder (UK charity), Grief support. View source
- 2 Cruse Bereavement Support (n.d.). Growing around grief. Cruse Bereavement Support. View source
- 3 Winston's Wish (n.d.). Growing around grief [PDF]. Winston's Wish (UK childhood bereavement charity). View source
Last checked against sources: October 26, 2026